just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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