I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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