we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
