well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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