I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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