I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
