Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
