is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
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