There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
