OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Randomize
