They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
