I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
