I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
too bad you live with your parents still
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
