I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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