i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
