Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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