I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
