I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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