Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
