Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Two words: nipple clamps
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