I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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