based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
