we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
