apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
