I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
