Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
