I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
