so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
