if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
