brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
