I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
