Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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