I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
