oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
