i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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