that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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