my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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