just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
