he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
