Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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