If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
