I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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