So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
