I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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