There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
