You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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