I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
