Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
