Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
