in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
