Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i would punch a child for taco bell
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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