Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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