Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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