i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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