I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
