She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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