I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
