omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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