grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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